I want to move on...

I am tired of this ordeal. I have a feeling I am going to deal with large physical deficits the rest of my life. I am evidence that life can change dramatically in a second with no preparation. I do so want to be positive because I know that negativity isn't from God and my situation is not helped by it. I am really having a difficult time adjusting so I am just going to list facts or things I believe without trying to make sense of them.
1.). I amm alive...I giveGod credit.
2.). This is getting old...
3.). I don't want to be unaware o unsympathetic about the needs of others...I a lucky and blessed comparatively.
4.). I am changed yet I am the same JamiSue.
5.). I do miss what I used to do...
6.) I want to skip ahead to me functioning in life well...what does that look like?
7.). I want to scream "when will this be over?"
8.). I want to radiate Jesus through this all and be used by Him...I desire that this wish is authentic without pretense.
I have alo of thought but as my daddy would say...now is the time to "keep keepin on".
Lord Jesus help me not to forget my many blessings.

When I found out...

I first experienced diplopia (double vision) the Saturday (march 5) before Amelia was born. I was driving to Olathe college church of the Nazarene to quizmaster a quiz...I knew that something was up with my vision I just hadn't identified it yet. I had great difficulty driving the next Monday to Topeka and back to Basehor but there were other things on my mind like giving birth to a beautiful baby. The double vision continued but I compensated for it like I had every other symptom. Finally my maternity was soon going to be over and driving was both difficult and scary so I decided to visit my optometrist. Now I scoured everything on the web and knew that my diplopia was probably idiopathic and wasn't too alarmed. If it wasn't idiopathic I was unable to find good explanations but really bad ones. I quickly dismissed the idea that my vision was anything other than annoying. After seeing the optometrist I still had no answers and I made an appointment with an ophthalmologist who referred me to yet another ophthalmologist. I knew this was "mountain out of molehill" stuff...I just wanted to be able to drive safely to work in Topeka. (this latest ophthalmologist was 1 of 2 neuro- ophthalmologists in Kansas City...I currently see the other) Anyway this doctor examined me but also ordered an MRI to be on the safe side. At the imaging lab they performed the MRI ( I was worried about the expense) and had me wait afterward. I didn't know anything was up but my husband Forrest surmised this wasn't normal protocol. The technician and receptionist finally came to us and said "we don't want to alarm you but go to the closest ER". I couldn't believe there was anything wrong with me but to Overland Park ER we went. Forrest dropped me off and then went to check on katy, my 11 year old who was at home alone. The imaging place had called ahead and I noticed that everyone seemed grave and sympathetic but I just thought they will fix this. OP called their head of neurology in who finally told me I had a tumor but it was beyond the skill of his colleagues and him. He said it had to be removed and I had the luxury of time to decide where but I shouldn't wait longer than a week. He started rattling off hospitals like mayo clinic, m.d. Anderson, etc. He said that frankly KU Med was good and I agreed that I would go there. I heard him set up and make my transfer to KU outside me ER cubicle. He insisted that I see only a certain doctor and I insisted not to be transported by an emergency vehicle. I later learned the physician on which he insisted was the head of neurology and very good. I was direct admit to KU and saw the doctor the following morning who sent me home only to come back for surgery 3 weeks later. At this time Amelia was3 1/2 weeks old. I thought this was serious but they would fix it and I would be good as new...